The Jaded Sports Fan’s Guide to the Super Bowl

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It’s here! After six grueling months, it’s finally here! This weekend is the much awaited, much anticipated, Super Bowl and if you’re anything like 100+ million Americans, you’ll be watching, or at least be in the general vicinity of a large group of people who are watching.

This used to be it for me. This was THE sporting event. Every year I would absorb every piece of writing, every segment of audio, every small detail about the game and stow them away in my rolodex of information, only to be brought out during some break in the action. I was built for this…until I wasn’t.

Somewhere down the line, I became what I affectionately call the “jaded sports fan”. Sports lost their luster, their pull. Somewhere along the way, I became that one cynical a**hole at the watch party that hoped for bad things to happen to both teams so everyone felt the horrendous pain of a championship game loss (which is exactly what caused me to become so jaded). I became what no one wants to become: THAT guy.

Watching sports with friends became a chore for me and I avoided it like the plague, until I figured out how to leverage my situation and make it fun again.

Now, I know there are some of you out there that are like me (please tell me I’m not alone…please?), and this one’s for you. Here is your very own, Jaded Sports Fan’s Guide to the Super Bowl:

FOODING:

Ask anyone on the street what they are most looking forward to with regard to Super Bowl Sunday and they’d probably say “the game”, but they’re wrong. Everyone knows the main attraction for any Super Bowl party is the food – and it’s not even close.

Don’t care much for the action on the field? Shift your attention to the table. Not only should there be some killer snackage, there should also be a consistent crowd of people around the snackage for you to mingle with. Don’t know most of those people? Good. Take it as an opportunity to make some new friends. You may not leave the party with a good grasp of what happened on the field, but you’ll leave with a full belly and a couple new friends. Sounds like a win to me.

(Tip: to ensure there will be good food, take it upon yourself to bring something you’d want to eat, and make sure you have enough to share with people while still having enough to eat yourself into a food coma.)

DRINKING:

Unless you’re my 14-year-old brother, your Super Bowl party will almost assuredly include alcohol. Collect a small group of people (this is where those new friends come in) and make up a drinking game. Not only will it allow you to bond with your new besties, it’ll make the game, and the incredibly overrated commercials (Super Bowl commercials haven’t been good since before the iPhone and you know it), that much better.

Drinking not really your thing? No worries, find yourself a non-alcoholic beverage, sit back, and observe the hilarity that is a group of adults (large children, really) steadily getting turnt (that’s what the kids are saying these days isn’t it?).

(Editors note: please be smart about this and drink responsibly)

TROLLING:

Remember how I said that no one wants to be the one cynical guy in corner hoping for bad things to happen to both teams so he can bathe in the pain of others? Yea, that’s only half true.

If your favorite team, like mine, hasn’t won anything of consequence in your conscious lifetime, and you are watching the game with at least one person whose team is playing in the damn SUPER BOWL, please take it upon yourself to actively root against them. Not only does it give you a reason to invest in the game, it makes for some great manufactured sports drama. There is NOTHING like watching someone live and die with every play while you sit back completely indifferent of the outcome. It’s pure magic.

(Bonus: this is exponentially more fun if the person with the rooting interest is a friend of yours. Sure, there is the inherent risk that you will leave the party with a black eye, but isn’t that an inherent risk at every party?)

So you’re not super duper invested in the game, nor do you care who wins, fine, but you don’t want to be that one guy who sits at home watching Netflix either. Take one of these bad boys for a spin and learn how to enjoy the biggest sporting event of the year…again.

Until next time -

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Arye

When Arye isn't helping optimize your time, he is doing his part to ensure life is full of shenanigans.